I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
