You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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