Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
