when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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