My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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