This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
As shirtless as possible
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
