I feel great
I just peed on a car
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
