Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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