I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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