im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
