I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
they're like a gay fantastic four
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
