I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
