It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
