i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
