I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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