T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
