Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
