oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
