Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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