I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
