if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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