Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
