youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
