I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
