you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
