Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
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