Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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