I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
