I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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