It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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