we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
