i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
