I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
