I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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