i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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