I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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