our cab driver is having phone sex.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
