i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The power of my boobs compel you
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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