sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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