did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
