Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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