I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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