My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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