I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
