I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
