i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
