If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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