okay pat passed out under dana's car
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
