Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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