remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Randomize
