I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
